When you don’t actually want to be the Mom.

I honestly never thought a day like this could come. I’m the Mom who LIVES breaths and dreams all about motherhood. No. Joke. Well, this past Saturday as I held my daughter down on the bed in the hospital so that they could draw blood and administer the IV, I wished for a second I could be the daughter and not the mom. I wished I was the baby and my mother was the one holding me. That my mom was the one who could comfort everything away and have that lifted off my shoulders.  And that the pain could be mine.

That’s all.

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When you don’t actually want to be the Mom.

I honestly never thought a day like this could come. I’m the Mom who LIVES breaths and dreams all about motherhood. No. Joke. Well, this past Saturday as I held my daughter down on the bed in the hospital so that they could draw blood and administer the IV, I wished for a second I could be the daughter and not the mom. I wished I was the baby and my mother was the one holding me. That my mom was the one who could comfort everything away and have that lifted off my shoulders. And that the pain could be mine.

That’s all.

Lilah, the second I saw you, I knew you were my own little miracle. The first day you smiled, time actually stopped (I’m quite positive). The first time I heard you laugh, bells rang in my ears. The day you said “MaMaMaMa,” life changed forever. Your little body holds a personality about the size of the Shanghai Tower. I still can’t quite figure out how your 2’10 inch frame holds it all inside.

Over the weekend our sweet girl had a massive drop in blood sugar (it’s the opposite of diabetes folks and that was ruled out) and she went from playing and having fun to being completely unresponsive in a matter of minutes. The longest six minutes of my life was waiting for that ambulance and then waiting on her to return to us in reality.

I’m thankful they arrived so quickly and that the three men, who would be tending you, knew their stuff. They checked your vitals and knew that there was an underlying issue even though your vitals all came back fine. When they checked your blood sugar, that’s when we knew. It was off to the hospital. It was half of what it should have been.

Little Lilah,
Days later, after all that time spent, we still don’t have answers. In the hospital, you were the sweetest little love. You said “thank you so much” to every person who came to your aid in some way. You told the nurses who helped me hold you down so they could stick a needle and straw into your little wrist, “Thank you, thank you so much for helping me. I’m sorry I didn’t freeze. I tried so hard. Thank you thank you even though you had to burn me” The pain in your little hand was a burning sensation and it was the only way you could describe it. You sat on my lap for over seven hours as we were tended to by the doctors and nurses. You are a complete and utter champion.

So, only gratitude. That is all I have. I’ll be the Mom, and I’ll be your rock just like my mom was for me. But for a moment, maybe so many more than one, I wished I wasn’t the mom. I would trade you places, I’d take the pain. I love you Lilah-Loo.

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by LAUREN

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  1. Anonymous August 17, 2017 at 10:32 pm - Reply

    How beautiful…thank you for sharing. You touched my heartstrings through your connection of mom & daughter.
    wishing you always…
    sunshine & blessings
    stana

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