Friday! National Doughnut day. Joy everywhere right? Cute everyone! Happy Lake beach day! Annnnnnd also the day I actually fell apart in a tiny corner of my house. Here is the deal. I have had these flashes of feeling that Lilah is my last baby. And my heart is screaming, how can that be? All I want to do is help the missing little babies that belong in my arms join my family. Yet, here I am. Two full years of dying for baby three and my arms and belly are empty.
Today started wonderful. You know those days, when everyone listens. The kids clean their own messes AND eat all their food? Say what!? That actually happens? Yes. Yes folks it does. And yet as we made the 32 minute drive to the lake I could feel it. Swimsuit on and I can look down and see the belly that is perfectly flat, no baby bulge or bloat. No excessive fatigue. No due date.
How can I not be full of 100% pure blissed out mommy joy? I am blessed you guys! I have two beautiful children! My kids are WONDERFUL. They bring me joy, they bring each other joy. They are beautiful. I see Christ reflected in their eyes as they show kindness towards others. They share, they help, they love and they are mine. Yes I feel joy. Yes I feel gratitude. But I also feel that pain of missing children that I feel are waiting to come join our family.
Anyways, today at the lake we were enjoying our beach with lots of empty space around us. Playing in the water, relaxing and loving life. Two things happened over the space of the next two hours. One, I watched a mother lose it at her tiny children. Both younger than mine and I sat in judgment. How cruel am I? Yes I know.. don’t do that. I try not to, it happens. Anyways, she had a one year old and a two year old and was yelling at the top of her lungs at them. Don’t touch the sand, don’t bother the lady and her kids, don’t walk, don’t don’t don’t don’t. Her children were darling and when they walked up and sat down on my towels I just smiled. Toddling around on the beach the little boy was seriously so sweet with his twelve month old chubby cheeks. I couldn’t help but watch them play and smiled as they played with my kids. Lilah immediately walked over and got down on his level to play and chat with him. She loves babies. I found myself talking to the mother for a few minutes. Maybe exchanged ten words with her. I asked how old her kids were and then listened as she rattled off with joy on her face “She is two, he is one and I’m pregnant! Due in December!” We didn’t chat more, we didn’t become friends. We just passed on the beach today. That’s all it took.
Lilah complained she was cold so we packed up shortly after our encounter and went home. I figured three days in a row at the beach was plenty for this week. I sat in traffic the whole way home and wished goodbye to the baby years and by the time we finished our 32 minute drive I was ready to go inside and snuggle my kids. I didn’t realize till about two hours later how much I was struggling. It’s odd what triggers the emotional breakdown of a mother struggling with infertility. Just when I feel like I have it under control I feel it fly out of my hands and I just want to find a quiet corner and sob because I need a good cry. I found myself trying to tell Sean about what happened today and not able to get the story out. I eventually found myself in the corner of my bedroom sitting next to the window crying my heart out. What do you do when hope isn’t in your heart? What do you do when you feel as if your time has come and gone? What do you do when you feel like your years for bearing children are flying by and time it’s all nearly run out?
This is me today. I’m at about a zero on the hope scale and I wanted to tell you women out that, that’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be positive. You can cry. You can let it out. And you can feel those feelings of heartache. When you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one who understands I want you to know I do. I truly do.
I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m sure the days will get better and if we have more children I will know that they are a blessing beyond any that I expected. If we do not? I know I am blessed to have these little souls in my home for their childhood. And I know it’s okay to have been honest. I am a mother with two children that longs daily, hourly and by the second for more children. I know the love of a child; I know the feeling of kicks in my belly.
I know the feeling of the highest peaks of pain during labor, the pain of contractions and the pain of giving birth. I know the feelings of inadequacy and fear as you hold a newborn baby. I know the fear of losing the baby’s heartbeat as the nurse explains that you are most likely going to have an emergency c-section to save your child. I know the relief of the final push of delivery as your baby born and then is assessed and then placed in your arms. I know the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with postpartum recovery. It’s all I long for.
Women of the infertility world, you are in my heart. I’m off to crawl into my corner for a few more good cries, but I am standing with you with my whole heart.
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