Friday! National Doughnut day. Joy everywhere right? Cute everyone! Happy Lake beach day! Annnnnnd also the day I actually fell apart in a tiny corner of my house. Here is the deal. I have had these flashes of feeling that Lilah is my last baby. And my heart is screaming, how can that be? All I want to do is help the missing little babies that belong in my arms join my family. Yet, here I am. Two full years of dying for baby three and my arms and belly are empty.

Today started wonderful. You know those days, when everyone listens. The kids clean their own messes AND eat all their food? Say what!? That actually happens? Yes. Yes folks it does. And yet as we made the 32 minute drive to the lake I could feel it. Swimsuit on and I can look down and see the belly that is perfectly flat, no baby bulge or bloat. No excessive fatigue. No due date.

How can I not be full of 100% pure blissed out mommy joy? I am blessed you guys! I have two beautiful children! My kids are WONDERFUL. They bring me joy, they bring each other joy. They are beautiful. I see Christ reflected in their eyes as they show kindness towards others. They share, they help, they love and they are mine. Yes I feel joy. Yes I feel gratitude. But I also feel that pain of missing children that I feel are waiting to come join our family.

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Friday! National Doughnut day. Joy everywhere right? Cute everyone! Happy Lake beach day! Annnnnnd also the day I actually fell apart in a tiny corner of my house. Here is the deal. I have had these flashes of feeling that Lilah is my last baby. And my heart is screaming, how can that be? All I want to do is help the missing little babies that belong in my arms join my family. Yet, here I am. Two full years of dying for baby three and my arms and belly are empty.

Today started wonderful. You know those days, when everyone listens. The kids clean their own messes AND eat all their food? Say what!? That actually happens? Yes. Yes folks it does. And yet as we made the 32 minute drive to the lake I could feel it. Swimsuit on and I can look down and see the belly that is perfectly flat, no baby bulge or bloat. No excessive fatigue. No due date.

How can I not be full of 100% pure blissed out mommy joy? I am blessed you guys! I have two beautiful children! My kids are WONDERFUL. They bring me joy, they bring each other joy. They are beautiful. I see Christ reflected in their eyes as they show kindness towards others. They share, they help, they love and they are mine. Yes I feel joy. Yes I feel gratitude. But I also feel that pain of missing children that I feel are waiting to come join our family.

Anyways, today at the lake we were enjoying our beach with lots of empty space around us. Playing in the water, relaxing and loving life. Two things happened over the space of the next two hours. One, I watched a mother lose it at her tiny children. Both younger than mine and I sat in judgment. How cruel am I? Yes I know.. don’t do that. I try not to, it happens. Anyways, she had a one year old and a two year old and was yelling at the top of her lungs at them. Don’t touch the sand, don’t bother the lady and her kids, don’t walk, don’t don’t don’t don’t. Her children were darling and when they walked up and sat down on my towels I just smiled. Toddling around on the beach the little boy was seriously so sweet with his twelve month old chubby cheeks. I couldn’t help but watch them play and smiled as they played with my kids. Lilah immediately walked over and got down on his level to play and chat with him. She loves babies. I found myself talking to the mother for a few minutes. Maybe exchanged ten words with her. I asked how old her kids were and then listened as she rattled off with joy on her face “She is two, he is one and I’m pregnant! Due in December!” We didn’t chat more, we didn’t become friends. We just passed on the beach today. That’s all it took.

Lilah complained she was cold so we packed up shortly after our encounter and went home. I figured three days in a row at the beach was plenty for this week. I sat in traffic the whole way home and wished goodbye to the baby years and by the time we finished our 32 minute drive I was ready to go inside and snuggle my kids. I didn’t realize till about two hours later how much I was struggling. It’s odd what triggers the emotional breakdown of a mother struggling with infertility. Just when I feel like I have it under control I feel it fly out of my hands and I just want to find a quiet corner and sob because I need a good cry. I found myself trying to tell Sean about what happened today and not able to get the story out. I eventually found myself in the corner of my bedroom sitting next to the window crying my heart out. What do you do when hope isn’t in your heart? What do you do when you feel as if your time has come and gone? What do you do when you feel like your years for bearing children are flying by and time it’s all nearly run out?

This is me today. I’m at about a zero on the hope scale and I wanted to tell you women out that, that’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be positive. You can cry. You can let it out. And you can feel those feelings of heartache. When you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one who understands I want you to know I do. I truly do.

I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m sure the days will get better and if we have more children I will know that they are a blessing beyond any that I expected. If we do not? I know I am blessed to have these little souls in my home for their childhood. And I know it’s okay to have been honest. I am a mother with two children that longs daily, hourly and by the second for more children. I know the love of a child; I know the feeling of kicks in my belly.

I know the feeling of the highest peaks of pain during labor, the pain of contractions and the pain of giving birth. I know the feelings of inadequacy and fear as you hold a newborn baby. I know the fear of losing the baby’s heartbeat as the nurse explains that you are most likely going to have an emergency c-section to save your child. I know the relief of the final push of delivery as your baby born and then is assessed and then placed in your arms. I know the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with postpartum recovery. It’s all I long for.

Women of the infertility world, you are in my heart. I’m off to crawl into my corner for a few more good cries, but I am standing with you with my whole heart.

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17 Comments

  1. Val June 2, 2017 at 9:21 pm - Reply

    Hugs to you momma ❤️

  2. The Mama Journey June 2, 2017 at 9:23 pm - Reply

    Oh Lauren — my heart aches for you. I wish you so much joy!

  3. Angel June 2, 2017 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    You’re so sweet mama! Love your heart

  4. Laura // SSHEART June 3, 2017 at 1:30 am - Reply

    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability! It’s so freeing to let the tears fall instead of holding them in…praying for comfort for you lovely mama!!

  5. Chelsea June 3, 2017 at 2:29 am - Reply

    I’m so sorry to hear your struggles. I haven’t struggled with infertility, so I have little to offer you. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Each child is a gift, yes, and wanting a 3rd doesn’t mean you don’t want 1 & 2. You aren’t trying to replace, you are trying to grow your family. There is no shame in that.

  6. Anonymous June 3, 2017 at 12:56 pm - Reply

    Adopt, foster

  7. Jessica June 3, 2017 at 1:17 pm - Reply

    This is an amazing and well written article. I relate to it so much, especially the part where you start to judge people taking their kids for granted (even when you don’t mean to!) I have been trying for a baby for two years now and I can feel every feeling you described. You may also enjoy this piece I wrote along with a few others on infertility on my blog jess-because.com.
    http://millennials365.com/stop-saying-infertility/

  8. nbanuelosblog June 3, 2017 at 3:00 pm - Reply

    This is such a heartfelt and beautiful post! You are right, its ok to not pretend to be positive all the time..

  9. itsahero June 4, 2017 at 8:38 pm - Reply

    “You don’t have to pretend to be positive. You can cry.” Girl, yes. Remember this. On your hardest of days, please remember this. PS. I love you.

  10. Angela Amores June 4, 2017 at 11:43 pm - Reply

    Thanks so much for sharing!! This was a really good read. I’ve dealt with infertility, and sometimes a good cry is really needed.
    Angela

  11. sunshineandmunchkins June 5, 2017 at 1:20 am - Reply

    Oh man, I could have written this same post yesterday. I have two beautiful kids and they truly bring me joy, but we know there are more waiting for us and they aren’t here yet. Yesterday I was packing up some clothes that my kids have grown out of and my daughter made a comment about how we are keeping the clothes “so that when mommy has another baby we can use them”. I just about lost it right then and there but composed myself until I could make it up to my bedroom, shut the door and cry. It’s so hard some days.

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  13. Shannon June 6, 2017 at 12:08 pm - Reply

    This is beautiful, my friend. Thank you for sharing your heart! <3

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