Today is a day where I struggle a little bit more. It’s a day when I look back at photos of my children as babies and I shed more than a tear or two. Today is a day I long for a regular pregnancy. You know. One that doesn’t cost as much as a new car. Today, I yearn for the little tiny feet that are not in our home. Today the pain is white hot and today, I’ll allow myself to cry a little.
Years ago as a young newlywed, Sean and I talked about babies and dreamed of filling our hearts with memories of pregnancies and children. We had so much hope and we knew that we would do everything we could to be good parents. Well, years later, injections, doctors, $$$$$, and so much blood work, not to mention a ridiculous amount of legwork with insurance companies, we do have two children. We have been unbelievably blessed. Well… We can all feel it in our hearts that we want to have another baby.
“Dear Lauren… insurance costs are skyrocketing, treatment costs are rising, babies are further from you than ever before. Sincerely, the world..” Now that it’s December and open enrollment is going on, I am looking at the cost and the coverage. As always, a sick feeling in my gut as I call companies to double check their coverage and the words “no infertility coverage provided” along with “patient’s out of pocket expense 100%” is a hard one to read. Of course, I can have many other things that I won’t even get into on here because #politics and yet… my ovaries get zero help without the cost of our monthly premium basically going sky-high.
Anyways, that’s all. I just had so much pain in my heart today that I wanted to look back on my beautiful children as babies and remember that joy. Remember the day we had a positive pregnancy test. Remember the two times that taking a pregnancy test didn’t end with me feeling like a failure. Getting it out of my head helps.
So I guess today I’ll blog.
#iui #ivf #injections #infertility #wishfullady #emotional
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